Tailors Fighting Coronavirus: Taking measures in massive scale – New York on …Menopause!

Demetrios Rhompotis

Our tailors have decided to join the fight against coronavirus wholeheartedly and true to form started taking measures in massive scale. Their union President Emeritus Taylor Swift announced that their goal is “to dress as many people as possible in style so that they can confront coronavirus in a gentlemanly and elegant fashion!”

New York in the meantime looks like a ghost town after the mayor declared that the city is on …Menopause as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. Gynecologists and psychologists from all over the country are converging to New York in order to deal with the new problem which threatens to crack the city’s already old and fragile infrastructure. Surreal times we live in! New York’s liberal mayor is begging the president to mobilize the army!

Seriously now, the coronavirus pandemic has already proved disastrous in more that one ways and everybody has felt its direct or indirect consequences. However, not everything is bad. Schools are closed giving students the opportunity to open a book. Parents are realizing that they have kids and need to deal with them. Greek parades are cancelled! And newspapers, an industry in slow death, is thriving now that toilet paper is scarce! I started buying the New York Times again, especially the Sunday edition with net paper value way higher than the price you pay. People stopped drinking Corona beer, a real piss and hopefully they will look for more real alternatives – not Dos Equis, which “the most interesting man in the world”, who is confessing not to drink beer often, suggests. If you want to stay Mexicar try Modelo. Our president and his two Democratic opponents are high risk coronavirus candidates so there is hope after all!

Also, this pandemic has brought people together by keeping them in safe distance and has helped the better part of ourselves to surface. The other day, at the super market, I let a woman behind me have the last bag of rice. Well, to be frank, it was broken and half the amount was lost, but the gesture counts nevertheless!

My closest cigar lounge now delivers cigars to people’s homes! Adapt and survive, that’s the only way folks, and we, at NEO, are thinking of personally deliver the issue to your door and exchange it with toilet paper, potatoes and OXI Cleaning!

Our Church has been a leader in this pandemic by offering precise and concise instructions for our safety! First, Metropolitan Nathaniel of Chicago announced that all churches in his metropolis will be closed, rendering the pointless discussion whether you can get coronavirus from Holy Communion obsolete. A couple of days later, Archbishop Elpidophoros said that churches won’t be closed, they will remain open and the services will take place regularly with a priest and a cantor. He didn’t say if a bishop too will be allowed to be present. (What kind of liturgy can you have without the people who are an organic part of it, not an audience, remains to be seen.) Metropolitan Evangelos of New Jersey from his part, considered the archbishop’s directive noncanonical and no abiding and asked for his churches to remain open until further instructions. It should be expected, as Evangelos is a virtuoso cantor and he wouldn’t miss the chance to employ his skills at the season’s numerous services. Then, Canada’s newly-minted Archbishop Soterios came out with his own rules and regulations, saying that services will take place regularly with only 50 people present. Not 49 or 52, just 50 as in the jubilee! He didn’t elaborate why 50, does it have a theological connotation, because of Pentecost maybe? He didn’t also say how the lucky 50 will be chosen: by lot, according to their contribution to the coffer, by age, by sex, what are the criteria for those who would be willing to put themselves at risk during a pandemic?

Last but not least, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew stepped in and declared that all churches will be closed until March 30. Elpidophoros intervened though and convinced Him to change His mind, so with a new message His All Holiness conceded to allow the churches open for services with a priest and cantor. The faithful could follow them from the Internet. Netflix rushed in for the rights, while major internet providers with an open letter to His All Holiness expressed their concern that transmission could be jammed and the networks overwhelmed due to the high traffic online as a result!

(No wonder that in Greece, the prime minister stepped in and had all religious services cancelled. By the time our holy fathers come to an agreement and find common ground on what to do, coronavirus will have us all!)

P.S. a) Curfew in Milford, CT! Racoons, deer, skunks etc., will be arrested on the spot and quarantined!
b) Coronavirus is the perfect pretext to avoid unwanted visits! I tried it and it works!
c) Burqa taking its revenge! Who wouldn’t want one amidst the coronavirus epidemic???